Caveman Reviews: Monday Night Football

You say we watch game...This game? What brown thing? Brown thing food? No, this cannot be game, this battle. These men run so fast, jump so high! You see that?! Man run so fast crash into other man! Him on ground, no moving! Oh, wow, him dead for sure! This remind Caveman of post-mammoth-hunt fighting.

When Caveman young him join hunt party to go out find mighty mammoth. Mammoth too big, make much food, so every time we ask neighbor tribe to make party and come hunt too. Every hunt end the same. We kill mammoth. We cut mammoth into pieces and divide meat and pelt equal. And someone take mammoth heart and try run home. Other group try to stop runner, runner's group try to help runner. Mammoth heart go back and forth as both groups fight and try to get it home. Look much like this Monday Night Football. But we no fight for paper pictures of dead men. We fight for mammoth power. Mammoth heart contain much power! Group that get heart home feast on heart, gain mammoth power. Mammoth strong. Mammoth no feel cold. Mammoth heart also give hunter power to make much baby. So much baby! Cavewoman love when Caveman come to bed covered with mammoth blood and bits of mammoth heart in him teeth.

This go on long time. Caveman's grandfather's grandfather hunt and live this way. But not Caveman. One day, after hunt, Caveman closest to mammoth heart after meat and pelt divided. Caveman pick up heart... everyone expect Caveman to run. But Caveman no run. Caveman cut heart. Caveman give piece of heart to all hunter. Hunters no happy. "Why you no run?" they ask. "Caveman is coward, can't fight for heart, no deserve mammoth power." they say. Caveman tell them everyone who hunt deserve mammoth power, everyone who hunt earn mammoth power. So now we work together and get strong together, it a better way, better for everyone. No more hunter die in fight for heart. Now all hunter go home happy, healthy, see him family, get some power, and be ready for next hunt. Maybe Monday Night Football learn something from hunters of the mighty mammoth.

Man still on ground. Caveman see him move, so him no dead. Other men in circles on their knees... Caveman think them make healing ritual. Gods no hear rituals of the foolish. If them no want man hurt, maybe them no try hurt man.

5 views0 comments